Strap on these 5 sex wearables to either ruin or drastically improve your sex life

Geographically speaking, there’s few things closer to a guy’s crotch than his phone. Smaller pockets keep that metaphor from extending to the fairer sex, but the point is that as technology has inched ever closer to our genitals, that vibrating side-­hug is finally ready to turn hot and heavy.

Yes, we’re talking bluetooth dildos and calorie-­counting cock rings, but also usefully milquetoast health devices like a patch that diagnoses premature ejaculation (suggestion: use mutually exclusively with public sex data tracker nipple.io).

If you’re wondering how many people would actually be interested in a wearable tracker that measures rate of thrust, the answer might surprise you. A study by Wearables.com showed that 25 percent of millennials would feel comfortable integrating an intimate gadget into their sexy-­stuff toolkit.

So is one-fourth of the smartphone generation deviant beyond all hope? That’s a very personal question, the answer to which will hopefully never be blasted to your Facebook via a faulty privacy setting in a remote-­controlled pocket rocket.

But in an age where post-­coital cigarettes are replaced by vape pens and Amazon will deliver condoms in less than an hour, it was inevitable that wearables devices would look to change the way we view sexuality. Here’s five such devices that could disrupt the way we view sex, for better or worse.

Lovely

Still in the crowd­funding phase, Lovely looks like a friendly cross between a guitar pick and a cock ring. It functions as a physical enhancer constricting blood to the penis to lengthen erections while also stimulating the clitoris, but the real climax happens after sex is over, when you and your partner analyze definitely not-­creepy sex stats like number of moves and top speed (14mph!). It also will suggest new positions to try based on the data it receives, hopefully not using the Siri voice.

OhMiBod

OhMiBod’s origin story starts with a Christmas stocking stuffed with a vibrator and an iPod. The husband/wife duo comprised of Apple product marketing expert and a dude not afraid to gift his wife a sex toy took the nascent sex tech industry by storm in 2006 and have been cranking out discrete orgasmic devices ever since. The latest and greatest is a vibrator that can be controlled over the internet for your long­-distance pleasure, but the star of their catalog is the Clubvibe 2.OH, a vibrator that pulses along to music via a remote microphone and “begs to be worn out on the town.”

Nipple

For the types that enter every beer into Untappd, know their daily number of steps, and receive Mint scoldings for ATM fees, Nipple.io is here to help log every imaginable aspect of sex. Currently the interface is all web­based and runs on user disclosure rather than tech monitoring, but there’s no more straight­forward way to record the non­quantifiables of your sexual experiences. Although a little black book would work just as well, there’s something inherently pleasurable about a geotagged display of all the places you’ve planted your seed.

Sexfit

Many sex wearables take an innocuous design approach to make their products appear more accessible, but U.K.­-based sex toy superstore Bondara isn’t putting any lipstick on this pig. Despite the LED light, pedometer, and Bluetooth connectivity, there’s no confusing this chrome finished hood ornament with something you’d find at the Apple Store. Although it’s still in development, the Sexfit boasts features such as programmable vibrating rhythms, social sharing, and built in controls for “on­the­go adjustments.” Coming in 2015.

HuMove

The best thing to happen to the world of sex science since Lizzy Caplan’s bared breasts, the HuMove was created by an Italian researcher aiming to better diagnose premature ejaculation in clinical environments. The prototype is roughly the size of a credit card, attaches to your back, and monitors data like penetrations per second in order to confirm or deny whether or not whiskey is actually to blame. A consumer version isn’t yet available, but it’s comforting to know that today’s crop of sex scientists haven’t lost the spirit of experimentation.